good penises are hard to come by.... must be the economy...
I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
There's a group of australian girls next to me. can't take them seriously. think they are going to turn into mr g
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
Her mom caught her drunk streaking when she was 12. Of course she's perfect for me.
Too lazy to get out of my bed thats 2 feet away from you. Are you sure youre alright?
He stumbled into my room, flopped on my bed, shoes on my pillow and asked me for a juice box. Then fell asleep with the juice box on his forehead.
Please tell me you're not playing strip poker with your cousins again
Nothing says happy valentines day like waking up to a naked man you hooked up with taking a walk of shame
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
I stepped in puke last night then washed it off my shoe with beer. Is there a grace period to respect before wearing them to class?
Also we had sex while listening to fleetwood Mac on vinyl. Like the 70s called and told me to fuck off
I'm trying to find a place to hide weed in my mother in law's house...
Married life problems?
I think I'm just going to get a farm, a vibrater, and a lot of wine.
I really love you. Like, more than tequila...& we both know that's my favorite.
Randomize
