I am going to invent a chocolate mix for sperm.
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
i woke up to the sound of my roommate climbing onto my desk mumbling that she was going to bed
We eventually had to ration the melon vodka. 10 pushups per shot. THATS why my arms hurt
Do you think she will like "you don't have to swallow this time" gift certificates for Xmas?
I said we should get a taxi and you were waving down cars, three of which were cops and one of them slowed down and shook his head then kept driving
He didn't think we needed a taxi
I broke the girls bed. I will not apologize about bragging.
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
Everything was cool until I tried to photo bomb those Hells Angels, then it's all a blank
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
Wow. Memory lane. What a horrendously unsightly jizz stain on the tapestry of life.
Everytime I give him head I make him rub my back. Teamwork at it's finest.
i don't care if you are my best friend. does not give you the right to describe how well my sister gives blowjobs.
how about your cousin?
Randomize
