I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
they told you the "weed man" wouldn't come until you were asleep, like santa claus. you believed it.
You know its bad when you can over hear the planned parenthood nurses talking shit behind your back... they've seen everything
She volunteers at a homeless shelter. You volunteered to drink 7 day expired milk for $3. No chance. Give up.
So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
You would...
this lesbian fantasy crush is getting WAY out of hand. just spent an entire meeting staring at her long fingers thinking, "oh those could be fun"
dude, i turned on the light and asked if they were ok and they STILL didn't stop. Most determined sex EVER.
I didn't get a chance to take any pics but the mental snapshot of her boyfriend calling her directly after we finished was a really special moment I wish I could properly share with you.
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
And after we debated politics. My dream come true: naked, just got done having great sex with a hot mixed guy, talking about why social welfare programs are a bad idea
It's dollar drink night and I have my honors society initiation tomorrow. Somehow I think this will not end well.
HELL YEAH TIME TO KICK THE CHILDREN
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
I'm eating chocolate cake while this guy snaps me from the gym. Like I cant believe i actually considered getting rid of this cake. Have fun sweating ima eat this cake 👌
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