i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
is it bad that the first thing i do when i get downstairs is go on farm town?
Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
Some guy just stopped me in the bar and asked if I had a shot named after me at another bar called God damn my VaJana hurts? He already knew my name was Jana so I couldn't deny it!
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
It was a legit night tell he threw a snowball in the bar, thats when I knew it was time to go to the next bar.
I've wasted nicer days than this hungover and dry heaving in bed.
I mean, I already put pants on today. We're already halfway there
I was jerking him off and in two seconds he went from "oh yeah that feels good" to "what day is Thanksgiving again?" and then back again. Like wtf.
Also not to brag but I got high last night and got us a host family in a chateau in the south of France
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
My yoga ball is now going to be used for actual exercise instead of somewhere to suction cup a dildo
I wanted to say, you're welcome for your orgasms, thanks for not returning the favor, Needledick
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
there's still a lot i don't remember, like why my iphone's nailed to your wall
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