You're never going to guess who I just worked out next to..
Who?
Chris brown
No way... I bet he was intense
Are you kidding? He was prob training for round two
I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
He gave me his number and said the usual call whenever you need someone but then was like... or just call me.
You would pick up a guy in AA.
test run with donkey pinata disastrous. broken glass and tequila EVERYWHERE
He's minimum effort, but maximum fuck.
Every single item that was in my fridge is now in my hot tub. Please help
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
YOU ARE SO GOD DAMN LOUD AND YOU'RE SHAKING THE GOD DAMN HOUSE. FUCKING STOP.
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
He facetimed with his son when he was still inside of me. If that's not a dedicated dad I don't know what is
anyways, do you want to make more embarrassing memories that im bound to remind you about later and laugh about?
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
walked into my room this morning clutching two empty bottles of sminoff to find my roommate's ultra conservative parents staring at my posters of naked men. fuck parents weekend.
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
Randomize
