chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
i just had sex with a fat kid who giggles when he cums. tequila really lowers my standards.
i wanted a birthday blowjob. not a birthday VD.
hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
She made out with me for a free sandwich. What makes you think she is NOT up to my standards?
It's confirmed I did eat a ping pong ball last night...
By the end of the cruise, there was literally nothing in our room he hadn't peed on.
the wall and i were having dominance issues.
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
I have a new philosophy. Fuck wearing bras, it's summertime.
I will kick you in all of your body parts. All at once.
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
This hangover is too legit right now. I just sneezed and almost puked
I woke up uncovered, spread eagled to my dad saying "you really need to stop sleeping naked."
Randomize
