oh my god, i just wanna eat cake off your dick
The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
i learned a valuable lesson last night. sometimes nice girls finish first. twice.
I tried to throw up out of my window but I forgot there was a mesh screen.
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
I rolled out of the car, crawled on all fours to the door, did somersaults all the way to my room, and then I ran across the parking lot to tell our neighbor you wanted to bang him. I'm not even sure if it was the right guy.
She rode an inflatable shark down the stairs. Viva shark week.
Can I write your parents a thank-you note for your huge dick?
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
I may be going to Mexico. I just met a drug dealer at a strip club. Seems legit.
You are cordially invited to an I'm not pregnant laser tag celebration tomorrow. booze is optional.
Well, while we went through airport security, I found out Mom got her clit pierced, so there's that.
Woke up with a pineapple again... where do i keep on getting these ??
Guy peeing and puking at the same time in the women's restroom? So impressed that I can't be offended
Randomize