remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
I am like king midas for the gay community. everything I touch turns into a lesbian.
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
Kurt said to text you and encourage you to come out tonight. Encourage you with my rack.
Ahh you know it's going to be a long day when you mistake a beer for a sprite at 10:30 in the morning while babysitting
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
But is that really the name you want to scream out during climax?
I threw up through my nose tonight. Happy cinco de mayo
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
have no fear, swaggie olivia is here to bring glorious gifts and horse dick to children
Never do acid then ask for a blow job while watching 28 Days Later. Heed my advice.
He seemed genuinely disappointed when I told him I wasn't going to make out with him to Bring Me To Life by Evanescence so I feel like I've pinpointed the breaking point of this relationship
He passed out before we could have sex. I had no choice but to use his boner to hold my onion rings.
I just saw your mom take a body shot off an undergrad, please tell me you're somewhere near by.
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