You can spell. I can kill people with no remorse. We all have our skills.
I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
well I mean we knew we had more drinkers than runners, so we had a "case race for the cure" for relay for life instead of an actual marathon. day drinking and philanthropy. can't go wrong.
Before you ask, yes. Whatever you're wearing IS too slutty for his mom's funeral.
I miss vodka workout Fridays
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
He walks in. We each have a tiki torch. We say, the tribe has spoken. We put his out and then stab him with it.
He pissed on a police station. Then expected to not be arrested. Sounds accurate.
It's fucking New Year's. I can be soberish in 2013 after tonight. It's like the 30 years of grey area between Jesus' birth and death.
It was Thanksgiving sex. I was thankful for it. Need I say more?
Literally every boy I've dated is now in a somewhat successful band. My vagina has obviously been blessed by the rock gods.
He's getting Easter eggs filled with weed or Jell-O shots for his birthday
I wouldn't know what to do. You never really mentally prepare for a cactus getting thrown at your face.
And you said I'm not athletic, I rubbed one out with my sports band on, it's the same as walking 1/4 mile.
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
Randomize
