Her life has all the ingredients for a how to book: Making Your Life an Epic Fail
Let's play a little game called "Chill the Fuck Out" - you're our first contestant
Can you believe The 5th Element didn't get best fight scene in 1997?! I'm still bitter. 12 years later.
Haha how do you remember that?
HOW COULD I FORGET?!
i have received so many congratulations texts this morning. sleeping with him really was a good decision.
I have a feeling that watching gay porn with you was the reason I was dancing in a hurricane of floating dicks in my dream last night.
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
I think I ate my cheesy fiesta potatoes cup.
Making cookies for neighbors. Spill beer all over dough. Bake anyways. From good neighbors back to the shitty college kids next door in under 3 seconds.
You know you are high when you are so glad it wasn't your freshly buttered raisin bread that fell on your foot. It was your $400 Ipod
I WOULD SERIOUSLY RECOMMEND THE SHIT THAT I AM ON RIGHT NOW
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
It's days like today that make me happy I'm not a porn star.
Hold on gotta plunge the sink
Is that a euphemism for sex? Either way, have a good time
Just so you know, it is really hard to rehydrate when everything is spiked with everclear.
You're just upset because I have cupcakes and boobs and you don't.
Randomize
