how many beers do i need before it is acceptable to sleep with sam
enough that when i make fun of you for it tomorrow you wont even remember it happening
Im so hungover
Come over i have rolls
Ecstasy rolls or Challah rolls?
The seats are awesome but you see two of each player.
Umm ok I'm kinda freaked out right now bc the chick that lives next door is either having tantric sex or slowly suffocating her dog to death.
Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
I'll be honest, not actually surprised to find half a Big Mac box and bits of broken security glass by the sofa.
Just found a 7-11 receipt for new years eve at 1:30 am apparently we felt the need to buy three jars of pickles and a gallon of milk does this ring any bells?
maybe i'll make good life choices and keep my legs closed. periodically txt me friday and saturday night saying "baby carrot round 2" that should stop me.
let's just skip the pleasantries and go back to my place for pizza and casual sex
I'm just planning on experiencing Disney as adult style as it gets. Drinking bloody mary's at dawn and telling all the kids waiting in lines how badly their future sucks and that Santa isn't real.
I just found out my college boyfriend's nickname is actually a Dutch word for little cucumber.....it all makes sense now.
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
Sigh. I'll find the right guy one day.
Prince charming is right around the corner and will be freaky as shit!
On your day off do you wanna get wine drunk and take a few episodes of Jerry Springer way too seriously with me?
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
Randomize
