What would you say if someone told you they liked your lips?
Which ones?
apparentely "Beer Pong Champ" is not a profession, no wonder they havent called me back......
told ya
Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
You asked the dj to play 'who let the dogs out" because it was your birthday. You left the bar and then re-entered to the song
i would rather give Shaq a handjob than take this accounting final
Well, I guess this was as good a night as any to find out I don't know how to use my fire extinguisher.
guess who's eating a vending machine cheese danish, has no panties on, and is still the classiest bitch at this bus stop?
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
You played "let it burn" by usher 28 times, knocked over the 36 gallon fish tank, and passed out in the kitchen. Yeah...That drunk.
Ok so last thing I remember was hugging a cop while vomiting
do you think eating a burger while having sex counts as multitasking skills?
Free stuff before I even put his balls in my mouth like wow great start
He saw me naked after our first date and still asked for a second.. so I think we’re doing good
So not only did I get laid today but I also left with a 42” tv lol
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
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