I hate when people I sell to add me on Facebook. I'm your dealer, not your friend, C'mon people.
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
I feel so grown up. I just went to home depot to buy actual home improvement supplies instead of stuff to make a bong with.
I never once brought up his unibrow when he was insulting me. That's class.
I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
just found out I was hugging strangers at the bar last night. there's photographic evidence. I know none of them
Apparently drinking in your car before going into a sales meeting is frowned upon. We are car sales men not doctors.
She's impossible to please. Other than with two fingers and a tongue.
so serious though like its almost like I'm playing a game that's my life and Im always losing
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
We should try to put a bagel on your penis
OMG he dropped his pants for me. Granted it was to show me where he got stabbed but still...
just threw up in a gas staton parking lot in front of a father and son. stared them in the eyes and finished like a boss
A piece of your chipped nail polish just fell out of my crotch.
Randomize
