i seriously hope you fucking die....you are the worst.
SHit! Sorry, sent to wrong person
I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
Old men and throwing up are my life now.
So he said if we had sex he'd take me to Build A Bear. My virginity is so worth a trip to build a bear.
You're 20.
IT'S BUILD A BEAR!
You came back with puke all over your sweatshirt and started doing darth vader impressions
How dare you send me a picture after midnight that isn't porn. You know the rules.
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
So I should just walk in, look him in the eye and say, "I just came to fuck your brother, nice to meet you" and just walk to your room.
A girl just invited me over for a blowjob and beer. Is this a trap?
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
that moment you remember partying with someone several years ago.. and don't remember if you slept with them or not.
sometimes you just have to listen to beyonce and cry. that's how life works
he told me he had a gf and in the very next sentence asked if I wanted to have sex.
She fucked a bartender in a closed Applebee’s and has the nerve to call me easy
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Randomize
