So there are ramen noodles in the shower you need to explain...
Any time you start making pro wrestling references before 10 PM I know that I'm breaking up a fight between you and some muscled up frat boy you call Hogan.
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
slow down on the beer.. we don't need another pentabong projectile hot dog incident
If you come, call before you come in. I'm tanning my balls. Enjoy that visual.
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
So "Abstinence August" was a bust. Maybe I'll try for "Sex-free September" or "Only if we're facebook official October"
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
You told me my blanket felt like ground beef.
The window painters skipped us. They didn't know what to do with the giant SMOKE WEED in the window. So they just skipped it.
You passed out with your mouth on the faucet, straddling the keg, with your arms wrapped around it
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
Hey, if a dude can't randomly belt out Whitney Houston tunes from time to time, is life really worth living??
Greetings from Florida; the armpit of the US, where my 240something lb brother nearly got carried away by some aggressive woodland mosquitoes. I was only spared because they could probably sense I was currently semi-disassociating and would not feel the suffering their presence wrought.
Anyway, how was your day?
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