Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
Literally just stood in the shower and forgot what to do. that hungover.
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
Just had a dream about an abnormally large bottle of tequila. No more depressed drinking for me.
All I know is that either you or I told a black guy that he looked like usher and he was sexy and that is our confession
am i gonna have visuals on this?
you are gonna see the trees puking up fireworks and ninja pheonixes will shit rainbows and fire
How was the birthday sex?
Shit got outta hand. Honestly I think even my STDs have STDs.
Ack! That is the first dick pic I've ever received. A) congrats B) that is way grosser than I ever thought t would be.
Between this new vagisil cleaner and these cranberry vitamins, my vagina feels like a new women.
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
I fell asleep completely naked, standing up with my arms and head in the freezer
I HAD TO TAKE A SHOT OF JAGER AND SOME REDBULL JUST TO SEE IF IT’LL MAKE MY MOUTH FEEL BETTER
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
My neck is sore from all the headbanging. And I can't tell the difference between the jello stains and cum stains.
YOUR MANICOTTI IS FULL OF LIES
Sorry i meant to send that to my mom
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