Don't you send me to vm
We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
She was so high she ate a little piece of weed off her pants and thought it was food.
I'm drinking red wine & feeding anchovies to the dog. I'm really not picky about what kinda of company I'm in.
I think u should go home and go to bed. If u get arrested in the Ohio river u go to jail in Kentucky. Nobody wants to go to jail in KY.
There is a slip-n-slide in the hallway and a girl just did it topless cuz I told her it was my birthday. Where are you?
Found a single cinnamon toast crunch between my butt cheeks. We did work last night
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
His water bottle is sitting on my coffee table like a monolith dedicated to the things he is not doing to my vagina.
So don't be alarmed when you go into your bathroom, he's sleeping in the tub with your brothers dinosaurs. also I'll clean up the sticky floor later. (you don't wanna know)
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
You were petting a 40 year old man's moustache for 15 minutes
Randomize
