So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
i'm pissing behind 7/11. if you guys leave... i'll think it's funny too
Using a Nedi Pot after doing lines... at least I'm a health conscious drug user?
Going to have to start putting down newspaper if puking the bed is going to be a habit
I have to stop drunkenly making out with guys just because they're tall or have a beard.
Put down the bong. Turn off Hey Arnold. Stop calling me football head.
I love you football head
I just told him I want him to "take the reins". At least its festive sexting?
Now that it's fall I have to prepare for the imminent arrival of ripped up sweatpants shoved into folded over sequined uggs
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
See I insist I'm not a groupie and then I say things like "will bang for a backstage pass".
I just want you to know you're the worst sister ever.
If this is about me and your ex, it's not my fault she doesn't like men.
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
Whatever you wanna call it i just wanna get railed tonight
This is the most aggressive rendition of that Proclaimers song I ever heard.
Randomize
