apparently 9 shots of absynthe does not take away your skill to walk. i just woke up under a tree in some field on the other side of town with 4 hours missing.
Thank God. You really dodged a small penis there.
im wtih 32a right now bc 34d is on her period. now i know how girls feel when their hookups go from magnums to regulars
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
If the world would stop letting me feel invincible I would probably stop doing this shit.
I drink more single than I do in relationships. Except with assface.
So I bought some random chick a shot she puked in her hands then I watched her make out with my roommate
Yep. How's your hangover?
It's like I fucked its sister and it's getting back at me.
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
shes making a cheerios necklace using dental floss 'just in case' she gets the munchies later
Dude, for twins they have shockingly different blowjob styles.
STOP FUCKING MY SISTERS!!!!
Can we talk about the fact that a stranger is doing a line of coke off our living room table right now?
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
Made him watch 4 hours of HGTV then told him I was too tired for sex.
Savage
Did I tell you about my dream that I got handed a $100 and my vagina dissolved it? I think it wants me to not be a whore anymore.
Randomize
