Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
If I could have all the money back from the pregnancy test i've bought- I could buy myself a vacation.
Or a large amount of condoms?!?
Woke up to the sound of my own moans coming from the tv....evidently it was videotaped.
Carpe scrotum. Grab life by the balls.
Three guys came up to me at the bar and started dancing on me, while screaming "Johnson's girl." That's the last time I sleep with a freshmen.
Status Uddate: I lost half a tooth and Alison is taking Amy Grant requests via bullhorn
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
you know it's gonna be a good 4/20 when you start saving up for it in january.
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
My favorite thing about your netflix account "suggestions for you" section: Russias Toughest Prisons is followed immediately by Strange Sex
Plus it's a good way to scope out guys. Have them fight for you, like real males do in nature.
It smells like grilled cheese and sexual frustration
there must be tiny pirates in the freezer stealing our rum.
I don't think you understand I turned down McDonalds for you.
Randomize
