So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
sometimes i wish i could find another girl that loves my dick as much as she does
i feel like she has dreams of it being like a person saying hey lets go play
i took an adderall last night to write a paper. i ended up watching 7 hours of roseanne and couldn't look away
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
no seriously, she's legit pissed i'm late to lunch because i was watching full house. there's obviously no future here.
bong water from a few floors above me just splashed onto my face when i was looking out the window. Happy 4/21 to me
Would you have sex with a guy wearing a Batman mask?
It's all hypothetical, I don't have a Batman mask... yet...
It's 4/20 of course I'm going to smoke in the portapotty and be ripped outta my mind at the lung cancer walk.
Literally every boy I've dated is now in a somewhat successful band. My vagina has obviously been blessed by the rock gods.
Right, try not to commit a felony that costs more than 4 dollars cause that's all I have in my bail jar.
She is 6 months pregnant and gets more action at bars than I do.
Married dude I had an affair with 10yrs ago was at table next to us at dinner last nite. My mom asked him to take a pic of us & then commented how cute he was as they left. Do I tell her he’s got a huge D too?
Want ramen today?
I need a salad
SALAD DOESNT WARM YOUR HEART AND BELLY
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
You were painting for six hours and managed one four foot wall. "The Mellow Handyman" isn't a good business model.
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