I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
Don't be scared. It'll feel very good. And you'll be clean afterwards. I'm growling right now.
Who goes to Church hungover
Those who weren't lucky enough to go still drunk
i just posted a lake picture of you with a dead fish in your mouth. happy july 5th.
You were playing beer pong by yourself. Finally someone took the ball and threw it into the bonfire. You sat by it, cried, and contemplated how to get it out. For 45 minutes.
she reminds me of the first time i discovered masturbation. that's how you know it's true love.
Dude if our hands were ladels we could work at a soup kitchen
That would be so convenient
I'm dressed like a deranged cupcake. Let's get fucked up.
You're obviously not trying hard enough. GET LAID. Kittens die for less.
Touche salesman.
Florida has a way of just fucking with a person's soul and jizzing all over their hopes and dreams. Like existential bukkake.
I am so juiced up on period drugs and coffee I feel like my skin is going to fall off.
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
Ok despite the fact that both you and I love dick we could have a great marriage
I planned to shave today but it's Friday the 13th I might cut something
So the remote for the camera in the photo booth must have gotten dropped on the floor. while you were in there. having a threesome. on the floor of the room where my parents stay when they visit me. so thanks.
Randomize
