I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
Did I tell you that you looked cute last night? I looked at the pictures. I lied.
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
Tis the season to puke in grandma's bathroom
You insisted we put glow sticks on you so that we didn't lose you if you went pee in the dark.
Two people confessed their love to me last night. Drunk is a good color on me
Well i think matt shit his pants so ill mark that as a W
I couldn't drink enough to fuck the friend, you said challenge accepted and stole some chicks shot.
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
Weddings might be fun but they are not getting fucked in the wilderness fun.
I love you. Doing a double. Going to die. It will be painful. Let the world know i partied. God, did i party.
Just saw 4 of my students at Denny's at 4am on a Tuesday. We all pretended not to see each other, as we are all clearly tipsy and/or stoned. Class is in less than 4 hours. Either i'm getting too old for this shit or they're starting on the road to crazy-town much earlier these days.
Tinder has really served to stimulate the number of sex related demons summonings.
Randomize
