I was too high to figure out which of the three doors would lead me to my classroom, so i sat down in the middle of the hallway and ate a twinkie.
i almost got kicked out of the rave because i was trying to get in on some couple's makeout sessions
You know I'm really starting to enjoy being everyones first gay experience
No joke. Last we saw of him he was naked and dragging that stupid goat into the bushes.
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
There are regrets in my world today- mostly jager at that fucking altitude
We should live in a duplex and just hook up with randoms for the rest of forever and be animal hoarders.
My mom is holding a picture of me, crying, and saying "where did I go wrong" over and over again.
Remember when spice girls "Two Become One" came on just as we were about to fuck? talk about a boner jam
You said your legs stopped working and then pulled yourself around the floor with your hands.
That explains the wood chips stuck in my nipples.
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
Rough day
Good thing I've started drinking again
Omg she's a human wrecking ball. I love it.
I am to reach this level of casual destruction.
He was awesome with her today. I can't say that it didn't make my Fallopian tubes sing "The Hills Are Alive."
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