What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts?
I'm going on a nature/throwup walk. Don't lock me out of the apartment.
You seemed more interested in the queso dip than you were in the hand job
He called himself excalibur. Thats all I remember.
You spent most of the night crying and throwing leftover meatballs at the neighbors dogs
I'm drinking straight vodka and railing lines of adderall while writing a paper about the nature of Jesus. It's 6:50 in the morning. College.
Ps you missed quite a show. I was for some reason whipping my hair back and forth and head butted the tip jar. It shattered and now I have a circular bruise on my forehead. All the bartenders hit the floor to get all the quarters.
Welcome to a new world. May the gods of weed smile upon you as you embark on exploring this new dimension.
How do you delicately ask if your friend's dad was arrested for solicitation of prostitution?
mom had to come pick me up from the hotel. I crawled to her car. She told me the entire way home if I puked in it I was going to lick it up. Like high school all over again...
We stopped mid-sex and both shotgunned a beer then got back to it. Is this what love feels like?
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST
So the 25yr old smokeshow I fucked last night said "Prepare to be disappointed" as he put the condom on. I was. 40 is bullshit.
Matt is trying to convince me that we have a deal where if I show him my tits he won't do cocaine. Apparently we shook hands on it?
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