Uhh me and Jacque peed on the street outside the bar last night and wiped with flowers. I vaguely remember her repeating the word "fresh" over and over.
i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
Just found the bucket list I wrote when I was high...somehow I dont think "jello swimming pool" is gonna happen.
No, pictures of your dick will not make me feel better about my grandmother having a brain tumor.
I never appreciated sexting until I went to rehab
As I was about to go to sleep he asked me if I was ready to 69. HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK AT HIM IN THE FACE OVER DINNER TOMORROW
Sometimes you just gotta fuck a has been local celebrity for your 15 minutes.
idk i just feel really unsatisfied. like something's missing from my life... maybe it's chicken nuggets...
get your sex hands out of my capn crunch
Fell off the toilet trying to reach to put my tampon in the garbage. Pride hurts real bad.
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
I'm just hitting the tip of the iceberg on accents for this trip...so basically my panties are done for.
Randomize
