She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
We're trying to decide between cracker barrel an the ER
I don't go on dates. I watch tv and play with dicks. dinner is a situation.
you're like that jamaican tarat card reading chick... only with herpes
I should probably go to bed before I start to care about why I started drinking in the first place.
They got me high and left me at the mall with a giftcard for $400. I need an adult.
Remember when puke and rally meant a good time? Fuck pregnancy
Aaaaaaaand dick pic. God bless america, and god bless tinder.
My legacy here is being that tiny blonde girl that threw someone down and shouted "Fuck your face, I'm Dee Dee Ramone."
Literally I can feel my heart beat in my vagina because of how sore I am
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
i feel like doing his laundry was not included in the job description when we became fuck buddies.
It’s a 10 inch dick! Of course I’m getting a Brazilian
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