This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
We're too lazy too send a pic of out balls. Just assume this is a pic of our balls and respond accordingly.
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
I think I'm drunk at the airport. Oh the possibilities
So many gingers... It's like a beacon went out that said "this one is ok with red hair"
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
Dude, you were tagged in a stripper FB selfie. That is a whole new level of something.....
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
He told me I remind him of his ex girlfriend but in a better more advanced way..
I mean, I'm not upset that HE's getting married, I'm upset his penis has to go through with it by default
I hope you know, that by sending me a cat meme back, you've entered in a cat picture battle; which never has an end in sight.
The duel has begun.
I just had a legitimate orgy. Wearing glowsticks.
I might be getting fired on this week so the only option i see for tonight is to get smashed and have an orgy. actually this idea might explain why i'm not an ideal employee.
Randomize
