I am so stoned and my professor is handing out candy. I love Halloween.
Just got back from my 9:00 am class to find my roommate soaking her lifesaver gummies in vodka so she can have them for a snack in class later.
I found her under my bed eating airplane pretzels.
I have absolutely nothing sober to say to you.
Just 30 Funny Tumblr Posts About Starbucks
I drank myself into bisexuality again.
You need to tell him your pregnant or we need to stop playing doubles beer-pong. My liver is begging you.
The bartender asked if I wanted a to-go cup for my crown and coke.....I just realized I'm back in Montana and fuck did I miss home.
I have already decided that it happened in an alternate universe since both of the people involved don't remember it and we only have the word of a sober person that it happened at all
My nose hurts from that stripper beating me with her tits
18 People Are Kind Of A**holes But Also Completely Hilarious
Within 24 hours, I went to a feminist documentary screening with two state reps and you hate fucked a rent-a-cop on the helipad of your hospital. Somewhere our lives went in different directions.
I still make more money.
Please send pictures of any nice new years ladies you run across in town, as I've forgotten what women look like.
The only way he could ever pleasure me is if he lit himself on fire and let me watch
My little sister just helped me edit my nudes so that's how my night is going
It was a good dick. I give credit where credit is due. A good dick deserves praise.
Wtf can everyone stop fucking in my grandma's bed? This is like the third time