There's a girl in front of me with a see through white shirt on and her back says I suck bad dick. Fun night hun?
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
do you really not remember him getting up at like 4am with a leaf blower running through the house and telling people to "WAKE THE FUCK UPPP"
its like..once you have one emotional drunk night, you can't stop. i feel like i have to end every drunken night in tears and i dont think my roommates think it's heartwarming anymore
Rick Santorum just suspended his campaign. Lets celebrate by watching gay pornography together.
I feel like a cloud. A cloud that wants to be laid.
You will never know an awkward moment until your parents pick you up from a one night stand.
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
Drank for free all night and I'm not even sleeping w the bartender. What is this magic?
I'm washing down the sadness with shots of vodka.
He ate the contents of an ashtray and didn't puke, I think he can handle drinking a fifth to himself.
I fit in backpacks. BOOM HERE I AM! Like a stripper from a cake.
I'm dying of laughter, but I'm also just dying
Send help
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
Randomize
