I can only speak casual parseltoungue, im not bad though. just the general, "wheres the bathroom?" "open the chamber of secrets" that type of stuff
why does he think he needs to feed/take me out to get some ass? we are at a bar wasting my fucking time
Just saw a girl trying to crack an egg with her butt cheeks. I think I know what we're doing thursday night.
FYI angry masturbation is not as cool angry sex
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
I WANT TO. I JUST IMAGINE HIS BEAUTIFUL BLONDE HEAD INBETWEEN MY LEGS AND I BREAK DOWN AND START CRYING.
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
It's like the dark age of my sex life being stuck here
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
Xanax and full house Tuesday is now Percocet Sunday
Steven and I talked about running for office again today. It's fucked that my 3 dream jobs are marijuana bakery owner, bar owner, and president.
I would like you to know, a bag of cheese cubes just attacked me at work.
Southwest doesn't have zingzang bloody Mary mix. I'm gonna file a complaint with the FAA
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