I pooped in a mop bucket.
WTF???
Their employee restroom was locked what kind of customer service is that
apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
FB needs to have a relationship status called...screwing my roommates bf..linking their names would be an easier to tell her!
Omg. The strippers are having a batman vs spiderman showdown. Both on stage. Genius.
Have u Seen that eharmony commercial where the guy goes " I don't know how I could love her anymore, but tomorrow I will'. Yeah that guy should kill himself
tried unsuccessfully for 10 minutes to do bong hits while wearing glow in the dark vampire fangs before realizing air was getting out of the sides of my mouth
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
my sober ride is dancing w/ a fat girl. i might be awhile
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
so at 3am I stumbled into my parents house and crawled into bed with them, I need to start dating.
My walk of shame is starting to become positively reinforcing; I stop by Starbucks and when I leave I look someone just heading to work.
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
just saw the most amazing side boob. i wanted to hold it.
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
IM HAMMERED AND JUST HAD CHEESECAKE THAT MADE ME FEEL LIKE NO MAN HAS EVER MADE BE FEEL BEFORE.
Randomize
