nothing screams I HAVE A PROBLEM! like the case of miller lite sitting on top of my DUI papers in the passenger seat of my car. lol
i can totally see doctors naming an STD after you
just got my girl scout cookies. wanna get high?
I'm getting very mixed reviews. One friend told me to stop drinking bc the last 3 times he's heard from me I've either peed my pants, been throwing up, or people have been having sex beside me.
Strangely enough I'm encouraging you to keep drinking for all the same reasons.
Scored tix to flower show. Do we want to go drunk on Saturday or hungover on Sunday? Only two options.
There is a girl in my drunk limo who hasn't seen an uncircumcised penis. Hook me up with a picture.
I opened my eyes this morning, looked at the sunlight and made this hangover my bitch.
it is shots o' clock and I am never late
I got really upset about missing him last night when I was demonstrating penis sizes of the people I've slept with using a tape measurer to my roommates
So after taking my shirt off, he pulls my bra off like a hockey jersey. FUCKIN PRO. Guy knew what he wanted.
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
We are horrible
Yeah but we're also awesome
There is a pool of ranch salad dressing in my purse...I know thats always been something you've wanted to try..so don't even act like you didn't do this.
That man fucks like a champ. The sex was so good I did him again in the morning just to be sure
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