The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
That's the last time I try to be adventurous at a gas station
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
My leg won't stop wagging. It's like it's congratulating my vagina.
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every facebook tagged picture of yours, you are either drinking, swimming or drunk in water
We have been pregaming the shutdown of the government since Tuesday. Send help, and some more liquor.
It's a gateway drink.... Starts with wine... Then I wake up in my car with mascara on my arms covered in french fries...
I caught him with his head in the spinach bag this morning. He was laughing demonically saying, "i love spinach, yes I do."
I'm so bored right now i'm literally Googleing all the possible ways to get high with household items as my mom is sitting in front of me..
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Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
Totally forgot Mike has only one ball. Is it sad I'm excited to see it? Or shall I say the lack of it?
He sent me a limp picture of his penis with the caption " same ol, same ol' I cant believe these are the type of guys I sleep with
You went over didnt you?
So you are wearing a heart monitor while drinking?
Yea, they said carry on with my everyday activity.
Build a thousand brigdes, lick one butthole. What am I remembered for? Buttholelicking.
You introduced her by saying, "This is the girl who sexes me." Then you passed out on the coffee table.