i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
He just said he wasn't going to drink on Saturday because he was drinking on Thursday and Friday...we need new friends.
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
Someone got day drunk, but I'm not saying who.
It was me.
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
My legs have surpassed "hairy" and entered the territory of "furry". Maybe I should just suck it up and shave already
No now I'm curious!
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
We play this game where we catch up on what we missed over five years of not talking to eachother, then we have sex like nothing ever happened.
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
I had 2 shots but she spilt one on me. Kinda mad but kinda grateful
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
Ya know. I was thinking of my slutty moments the other day and finally know which one makes the number 1 spot.
I'm about to take plan-b with a glass of wine and ramen noodles. I cannot decide who will hurt more...my vagina, my kidneys or my pride.
Randomize
