I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
should my penis look like a turkey
There is something depressing about eating toast in a dark living room by myself using a paper plate that says: "Let's Party!"
This is a whole other level of drinking. Like the I used to eat paste with these people kinda drinking.
They reenacted the scene from the lion king where mufasa talked to simba from the clouds. As high as they were they got it word for word. There has to be an award for that.
also, just kill me. literally hit me with a vehicle, or an aircraft, something that will ultimately make me forget tonight.
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
That's what you get for dating construction workers you meet in tunnels.
I told him I had an IUD and he asked me how was a bomb a form of birth control..
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
While buying Plan B the lady at the counter looked at me and said hope you have a successful night as I walked away in shame
Randomize
