How am I supposed to spread my seed with you "modern women" and your birth control?
Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
so last night after we hooked up i got my period and woke up this morning with a blood stain on his bed and not only was it huge but i had put my jeans back on before bed so i took the walk of shame with period stained pants
all i know is that they all tuched my pee cup last night.
As we were fooling around he told me he was conceived on this bed like it would turn me on.
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
She seriously pointed at the couch and asked me if she could "ride the talking giraffe". I'll never serve everclear again.
HE'S EATING THE CONFETTI. STOP HIM NOW.
I literally just smashed open my grade school piggy bank for beer money. Goodbye childhood. Hellllllo coin night.
I don't even remember what he looks like. All I know is he's 6 foot 100. I like that.
I woke up with what appeared to be LSD in my pocket. Know anything about this?
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
If you're with any of them tell them i apologize for (insert whatever i did here)
That guy I hooked up with in new york last 2 statuses are "I'm going to be a father, it's a girl" then "wow syphilis sure does burn" I'm legit scared... What has my life come to.
11:30pm - Shots together. 12:15pm Shots together. 12:45pm Shots together. 9:30am Plan B's together.
Randomize
