You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
no more stoned jack in the box. this is the third night in a row.
Holy shit bill nye is being consulted as an expert on cnn and hes credited as the science guy. What the fuck is the world coming to?
My last google search last night was 'vodka swimming pool'.
I saw the video from Saturday. So, how much did I drink for me to think I was a duck and strip my clothes?
Why the fuck is the royal wedding at 4am. That is obviously not the most appropriate time to drink during finals. It's like I'm bound to fail, by royal decree.
Tomorrow night wont work for me. I'm talking with Bryan about marriage and I dont want to have a shroom hangover.
WHY ARE YOU SMOKING WEED WHEN YOU JUST HAD A STROKE. AND MORE IMPORTANTLY WHY ARE YOU DOING IT WITHOUT ME.
I put you to bed and you would not go unless I let you sleep with the vodka
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
As I was blowing him, he proceeded to tell me that his friend who I blew years ago gave me a five star review on my BJ skills. And, he agrees.
Atta girl.
woke up on my floor using my jeans i wore out as a pillow
haha i wouldn't expect any less of you
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
im going to smoke a cigarette and reflect on my life choices
Randomize
