cant believe you said you would bone perez hilton
i said paris hilton
thats even worse
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
all she had left on were here heels. phone five
i have one question about last night
if this is about your fridge being filled with hotdogs, sour cream, and PB&J open-faced sandwiches, i can explain
Just hooked up with a girl I met in line at Taco Bell. I told you leave me to do my own thing and I'll get it in
I understand where he's coming from but I don't want this alcohol to revolve around relationship
Wait
Do you think he stole that soccer trophy that he gave you for the "best sweater award" from his five year old son?
Neither of us have work tomorrow and we live w/n walking distance. This is your official Sandy booty call. Come rock me like a hurricane.
someone stole all your weed so you told us you were planning each of our deaths
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
the universe is starting to freak me out.. ive now had sex with 3 people who were born on the same day..
What's the blow job-backrub exchange rate these days? I've got some killer stress knots
I'm noticing I drink less and do fewer lines when I do both together.
Now that's what I call smart money management.
HIDE THE INFLATABLE PENIS
Are you sure you found YOUR underwear?
Randomize
