Joe is a total sociopath, I'm going to hook up with him tonight
What did you even date her?
because emotionally unstable girls are great in bed.
would really like to know how the teddy bear got super glued to my testicles.
I hate that he uses me for something other than sex. What does he think I am? His girlfriend? Ha.
His thanks his mom for not having an abortion at his wedding toast. I love frat weddings.
I told my mom about how you got white girl wasted and sobbed about Whitney Houston. She sends her condolences.
tell her thanks so much
My catholic guilt is strong, but the alcohol is stronger.
I just sneezed and it made my entire body ache. Hungover is an understatement
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
Hey girl, do you remember you made me brush your hair with a plastic fork on Saturday night?
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
I think I fell in love with her when I saw her kick a freshman in the chest
Some girl woke me up at 1:30 am looking for weed and the next thing I know I'm in a hot tub with 3 girls, 2 40's, and a blunt.
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
I got here. Mom yelled "drink of the day is blueberry sangria" and next thing I knew I was on a slip and slide.
Randomize
