I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
He asked for his proof of insurance and he pulled out a Magnum by mistake. All of the sudden gignger was looking real good to me.
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
she was home schooled till college. were she learned how to give the most amazing blowjobs is still a mystery.
i don't know how the hand towel got involved, but i peed all over it
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
she was pretty happy for someone in the middle of a herpes outbreak, how was i supposed to know?
You kept screaming how great you were at drawing poptarts and you insisted on drawing them all over my forearm
I've done nothing but whore my gay ex bf out for the past 48 hours. It's getting weird.
Aaaaand then she sang MDMA to the tune of the YMCA song, with appropriate gestures.
Last night dinner was cinnamon buns and whiskey. At least tonight I had a fajita with my cookies and tequila. I may be a little stressed about these end of semester tests.
I'm pretty sure the girl in the stall next to me is waiting on me to leave so she can poop but I'm doing the same thing so it's like a Mexican standoff
I don't suppose you have a recipe for a cocktail made of bitter resignation, regretting everything, poor life descisions and deep-seated self-loathing?
He goes "what would you say if I told you I like to get it in?" def a potential soulmate right there.
The heart wants what the heart wants, and once again it’s a guy with brown hair, wears a chain, and has a nicotine addiction.
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