Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
that's fine. btw we still need $500 for the donkey...
i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
alcohol. turning childhood friends into awkward hookups since the dawn of civilization.
but you don't have to sleep on top of four different cum stains because you'd rather buy a case of Franzia than spend $3.50 in the student laundry room
I have minimal recognition and a lot of burns on my tongue and my vagina hurts.
Just had a thought: were the sirens on when we were in the ambulance?
quit making up holidays to get me to go drinking with you
All I did was present the dick. You did the work. That's like thanking the pencil for a test you got an A on.
don't be alarmed if you come back and i'm passed out drunk and naked cuddling with the franzia.
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
Hostess is going out of business we'll never survive the apocalypse
We are gunna have the best winter break smoking weed and eating ham
I have a to do list for the summer and thing one is figuring out my sexual orientation
Randomize
