what kind of vibe do I give off that a guy i've never hung out with thinks its okay to send me a picture of his ball cleavage?
Not only is chick snoring like a 48 year old man but she's farting in rhythm
i wonder if detective benson from law and order takes those handcuffs home. i bet she does.
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
It's like I paid NJ Transit $33 to suck his dick and go home. Fuck that.
ugh i can't even wear this perfume anymore. it just brings back blurry memories of blowjobs and regret.
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
Let me refresh your memory. New Year's Eve in the back of my car you grabbed my hand and said feel my tumor on my butthole and at that moment I swear we were infinite
im in the post action - pre consequence stage.
guys with girlfriends don't have a leg to stand on when they get mad at you for fucking other guys
What the matter? A girl can't play some Super Mario without being accused of being high?
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
are you fucking roseanne barr in there?
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
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