Whenever ur ready we need breakfast and a psychic.
Me liking this guy is the best diet ever. Do I want this cookie...or do I want to get laid.
so it turns out, not only do the doormen judge the girls I bring home, but they rate them.
did you really just refer to me me as an old fashioned penis?
literally overdrew my bank account at 3 in the morning to eat subway with 7 sherriffs.
I know I'm not the first to fuck in a park but i deserve props for doing it at 3pm. On a sunny day might I add.
Lets just not get arrested. That might put a damper on everything. I only say that cause i've almost been arrested.
Your engaged. Stop telling guys you will sit on their face. They don't always know your kidding.
threw up in the kitchen showroom. home depot employee of the month.
I may have just unintentionally roofied a man in a wheelchair
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
Thank you for the legal advice. I hope I can pay you in blow jobs.
He managed to find a wheel chair and a super mario hat, now hes rolling around screaming "real life mario kart!"
I stopped telling people I'm a pansexual unless they ask first, really tired of explaining what that means.
Randomize
