apparently i walked up to the counter, put $30 worth of snacks next to this girl, and went 'uhh i have no money'
I knew I shouldn't have slept with her...my dick looks like a stegosaurus tail
So how was awkward coffee with forgets-your-name?
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
Leave it to him to get us kicked out of a bar for hitting on an 80 year old woman. I want to be that wasted one day.
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
Home safe. Psyche shattered. Still rolling. In love with the morrocan rug in the living room.
IDK who she called, but some guy came into the party, flying drop kicked Joe said never again. She has to invite him around again.
About to go get a free burrito for kissing a bald man in public
Also bring a pizza or no entry to my vagina OR the fort.
Cheese only
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
Sam was like the mother fucking Moses of drunk and underage kids and he lead them to safety away from the cops. He's a hero that we deserve.
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
Mom is so high she had to turn off the ceiling fan because it was going too fast and it freaked her out.
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
Randomize
