Instead of peeing my cute lil blue panties I peed in the train parking lot in front of an asian.
Nick had a break down & said to me "Everybody's mad at me, I'm the douchebag, Im the fucking douchebag that everyone hates, Do you wanna come home with this douchebag?!"
You're going home with him aren't you?
I'll see ya in the morning when I leave his house
I'm going to have to call in sick tomorrow. After this weekend, there's no way I can handle hearing the accountants talk about double entry without puking.
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
is it cool if i crash at ur house this weekend again bro
yea dude but i wld bring a sleeping bag or something just in case. or u may just have to shack up with a woman or 2 cuz we hav 10 girls visiting/staying over at my house.
how did u manage to make sleeping with a bunch of girls sound like an inconvenience?
I just watched how this is made for an hour because I was tooo high to remember what they were making. it was like a prize at the end.
Is it weird that I want to have sex wearing my glasses and lab coat while having an actual scientific discussion?
My Wonder Woman lingerie has been defiled by man. I'm a horrible Amazon.
He came over and fucked me while my conference call was on mute. Working from home is the best.
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
Hey I didn't mean to come across like I was judging you about your liberal sexual choices. I would like details of your threesome if you need to talk about it!
The dog peed on the neighbors baby Jesus. No wonder she thinks we're the devil.
Randomize
