if my vagina gave out awards, he should be preparing acceptance speaches for the oscar, the heisman and the nobel peace prize.
Buying $100 worth of beef jerkey sounded like a terrific idea last night.
Dude I broke my bong in half this morning. I kicked it as I was jerking off. I would never hide anything from you.
Well I could just do a roadtrip and hit them all. Slut tour 2012.
Dude you missed it. This guy in the liquor store knocked over a whole display of 5 hour energy with his face.
Pizza toast. It's like pizza but on toast. BC we are broke. OMG its so good.
You would never do this sober.
Look at you go. You're like the Slutty Librarian that Could. They should write children's books about you. Children's books for adults.
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
All i really remember is meeting this guy dressed as jesus and i kept taking his wine and saying "the body of christ!"
I also woke up in my friends room to 3 girls and a naked boy on the floor but thats besides the point
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
We just did a u turn on the highway to settle a dispute in a game of slug bug
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
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