it was great that she threw up because that made me the only one trying to hook up with her
Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
Don't forget your talking to the guy who got arrested for throwing beads back at the Mardi Gras floats. You can't deny that's a first, and neither could that cop.
you had sex with a 30 year old who doesn't have a cell phone but does have an 8 year old son.
he's 29.
were drug buddies, doing lines off her ass is just a bonus
A guy in a banana suit just got the whole bus to participate in a call and response version of Bohemian Rhapsody. HERO
Can I come over? I respect you, but I want disrespectful things to happen
If there was a build-a-penis, I would build that penis.
We had sex in the morning in pregnant lady position. Like fuck me like the hott piece of ass that I am, not your wife of 7 years.
I wish I saved his nudes so I could anonymously submit them to his tumblr
Did he think I was flirting with him when I ordered a hot dog bc no
My relationship: I'm wearing batman panties and a tiara right now trying to get laid and he's doing dishes.
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
Im so sorry for peeing on your chest.
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
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