I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
I'm drinking reisling in a paper cup by myself in the garage.
I thought all girls wanted is to get a boner
you want to re-phrase that?
I remember saying "sorry" to the blunt before throwing it out the window
Part of my whole not being a slut anymore involves not giving other peoples boyfriends blowjobs
He will. He has no choice. What's he gonna do? Find a better fuck buddy? We both know that's not possible. I'm the ideal friend with benefit. Minus snoring and uneven tits.
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
This guy smelled his armpits before trying to approach me at the bar
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
Maybe you should stop dating for awhile if the chicks aren't working out. Reacquaint yourself with your hand or something.
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
There's no triumph quite like finally banging your high school boyfriend 6 years later
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
I realize that my conversation topics seem to only be about bees and my cross dressing fiance. Thank you for being my friend.
So learned a new trick last night.... Taking body shots from my own tits... Mom would be so proud
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