drinking colt 45 because lando calrissian told me to
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
i just made a girl do the walk of shame. as a bumblebee. i love halloween.
walking in back of a girl wearing booty shorts, a halter and a bracelet that says trainwreck. I don't get it. The first day of nice weather and all the whores come out, are they like hibernating bears or something?
John stretched a condom over his face and tried to puke in it.
This bowl of cereal would be the size of a giant's bowl-piece. It's. that. big.
How much did you smoke??
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
I'm going to make "gut the love salmon" a common slang term for sex. Spread the word.
Ordained minister or not I hereby renounce all moral responsibility for any and all related occurrences
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
I was walking out the front door and heard his roomate say "It looks like you need a chiropractor." I think my work here is done.
I'd do them all but honestly I'm so high that I probably should have a chaperone.
My tongue is raw from licking all that salt with my tequila shots...happy cinco de mayo
I finally realized he drank way too much when he tried serenading me to the song "come my lady" while slowly and creepily making his way toward me...keeping constant eye contact.
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