I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
i've come to the conclusion that there is no classy way to apply chloroseptic spray to your butthole.
i just heard her through the wall saying "not on my face! NOT on my face!" then a scream and "I SAID NOT ON MY FACE!!!"...nice work dude.
I don't know what part of vegas I'm in but its definately the wrong part
We played "race the Jimmy John's driver". Order, then see if we can finish sex before the food arrives.
We had phone sex and he came in his sink. i will never eat off one of his plates again
why the fuck are my pubes caked with bread crumbs?
I offered to buy ihop waffles for all the homeless people outside the metro. It was time to go to bed.
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
Happy Thanksgiving! Hope its not too awkward that your dad and your boyfriend are the same age.
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
Walking down the street, Bro bumping to 'still' by dre. Dropped his trash on the ground and aggressively sped up when his light turned green. If you still had love for the streets you wouldn't of fucking littered. Took everything for me not to yell at him. I know you would've.
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
MY HISTORY TEACHER IS FUCKING MY MOTHER. I am downstairs and i can hear the squeak of the bedsprings please I swear to god pick me up THIS INSTANT.
I wasn't going to drink. Then there was alcohol so I gave that up.
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