omg! a creepy truck driver just made a frog puppet wave at me!!!
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
Hey, just wanted to let you know that University Police stopped by and repossessed the stolen laundry basket. And the 8 bottles of detergent.
The whole movie was ruined when some chick started laughing with what you could tell was QUITE the mouthful. This of course made the guy laugh harder.
And I think your bro would be happy to know that when I took my bra off like 10lbs of confetti fell out. It was like my tits were celebrating being free
We are magical, pot smoking, smart as hell, single as fuck, woodland dolphins.
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
American Eric just peed on us from the second floor. Hes now very confused as to why his "toilet is yelling." Send help.
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
You sent me a naked picture of you as a child? How is that normal
That's the 2nd med student that has had his tongue in my butthole, what gives.
Wait I can't come yet Mr. Brightside is playing
ok i defs just took my shirt off in the middle of a frat party though so keep me updated
She was all for the threesome til I showed her a pic of my boyfriend. I think I should re-evaluate my life decisions.
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
What did you spend the night in her closet?
She said she was saving me for breakfast and locked me in there
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