She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
You know you hit rock bottom when you make out with a guy named after a cereal.
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
In order of importance: Where am I? Where's my car? Where are my clothes? Who is this chick in the room?
Anne's couch, the bar, your car, Anne.
I'm having one of my monday morning walk of shame coffees if you care to join.
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
Can we make sure camping doesn't turn into forest-orgy?
Lol, last year was UNREAL
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
He initiated the conversation by sending me a picture of his penis at 4 am
I fully committed to my astronaut costume, to say the least. blacking out on moonshine and having a moonwalk of shame this morning: happy Halloweekend.
Now I don't feel like I'm sweating cheeseburger all the time.
My sister's exploding appendix just cock blocked me...
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