You said you were collecting Asians for your Kate Gosselin costume.
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
I mean, there was frosting being put on a tunafish sandwich. Pretty sure she knew we were high.
the elusive kegmastree, who's mystery is only exceeded by it's power
She had a baby and now works at Hooters. She is the poster child for peaking in high school.
Had a drag queen carry me to the car. So I'm told...
this is random but who was banging in the shower in our condo?
My autobiography is now tentatively titled "I'm Fucking the DJ, and Other Ways to Party for Cheap"
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
Meant to have fun, ended up giving speech about consent to guy at bar. Feminist side feels happy. Orgasms side feels confused and betrayed.
I have a better chance beating China's military with slap bracelets than this plan has of working.
She pulled me up to my feet by my hair. I thought it was you for a second. My drunken angel savior.
Apparently she almost had an affair at Outback Steakhouse, details to follow when I get home but the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree
yeah but really his dick tasted like soap. like i was blowing a bar of soap
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