when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
They need to add a relationship status option on fb that says "having the baby of..."
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
I booked us a cruise for November. Lose 20 pounds and don't cheat on me before then.
I sat in the bathroom on the counter and gave out advice to all the random people that walked in
one of them held the wheel while the other one changed her pants. while driving. on the thruway. what
Why yes actually, getting stoned and reading an AARP magazine IS totally where I wanted my night to end!
And don't worry, my exact words were "I can't believe a baby came outta that thing"
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
And then we can spend New Year's Day sprawled across the tiles watching greys anatomy and puking into the bushes over the balcony. It'll be great
It's def pee. WHY DO I PEE ON THINGS WHEN I DRINK TEQUILA
Business idea: assless chaps for toddlers. I'm high.
I'd climb him like a horny MILF spider monkey.
It was ok until his mom walked in and asked if he turned on the crock-pot...
I know you do it only because of my toyota, but thank you for fucking me. Seriously.
Randomize
