put your butt on the phone this is a booty call
I hate thxgiving break now because that totally means I'm not able to have sex for a week.
your facebook page is a work of drunk art.
You just kept insisting that you and the homeless man went way back, and that you bonded over how cold you both were.
I just used my glow stick from the dance to find my way in the bathroom to puke. Who wants me on their corporate team
I was desperately holding on to my sandwich while we had sex.
tanning, a slurpee, and a cigarette. spa day college edition
Yeah, but she is forever sending my vagina on some sort of mission.
I just quoted part of the Pokemon theme song in a sext... And it worked
Pray for me. I just had a sex dream about Debbie Wasserman-Schultz.
i found you laying on the floor staring at the ceiling and you kept muttering "why" in various inflections.
I saw a penis covered in glitter tonight.
The condoms have been found. I repeat: THE CONDOMS HAVE BEEN FOUND. he isn't a collector!!!
I'm glad that we laid to rest the suspicion that he was keeping them in a scrapbook. yayy
No he doesn’t answer my texts except for like on New Year’s Because like I was fucked up on New Year’s and he said happy new year and I told him the same and I called him dragonslayer and you can’t really recover from that
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
Randomize
